Latest update on the transition journey

Rainbow Watercolour.

Been a while, I’ve been occupied with other things that I really should post about (crafting stuff, I have an Etsy store now!), but posting now because there’s gender stuff that needs logging. Other stuff may happen now this is done.

I had a Gender Identity Clinic appointment today about deciding not to have a hysterectomy. Long story short, I was suffering panic attacks, insomnia and depression, and when I worked out it was about surgery and decided not to have it, all that stress went away. There were other concerns, too (like if we no deal brexit, how fucked is the NHS and can I afford to pay for testosterone?), but the main one was that I knew that I would regret it if I had the surgery. I absolutely do not want to end up as a transgender regrets statistic, because as of right now the only ‘regret’ I have is not being able to transition sooner. Surgery just seems unnecessary and invasive at this point, especially as I don’t have excessive dysphoria about my nether regions (I may do if I wasn’t basically asexual, but I am, so it’s a non-issue), and all I wanted was to stop heavy, painful periods on a 3 week cycle because, trans or cis, it’s something that sucks.

Anyhow, I went in to the appointment ready for battle, explained what happened and my feelings on the matter, doc says, ‘Oh, why don’t we try Depo Provera?’, to which I smiled and nodded enthusiastically, because that’s what I wanted when all this started 2 years back. My first appointment back in 2017 about all this was with a nurse who basically said surgery was the only option and it was about time to get rid of the reproductive bits anyway, because cANcER, at which point she referred me to the doc to sort it. So this will be why Depo it was never actually discussed.

In hindsight I’m Very Annoyed with her, because that’s two years of heavy, painful periods and fucking around wasting appointments other people could have used. We had a phone appointment a couple of months back, and she was all bright and cheery until I said I wasn’t having surgery and I should get an appointment with the doc to discuss things. She went suddenly very cold and lecturing, citing new NHS guidelines saying blockers etc aren’t given after 6 months on testosterone, and a hysterectomy was best because of the CaNCeR risk (seriously, she was really big on the cancer thing).

Her implication was that the doc would agree with her, hence me getting ready to battle. The doc was totally relaxed and agreed with me about my concerns and wanting to try something less invasive, and said everything I was prepared to say about the link between testosterone and cancer in trans guys is theoretical and so minuscule it’s not really worth worrying about unless you have epic family history, just make sure to get the usual screenings done. Was one of the simplest appointments I’ve had, and I’m now discharged back into GP care. Hurray!

So now I’m looking back and WTFing about the nurse’s attitude and wondering if that was some weird gatekeepery shit based on what she thinks a proper trans person should do or some such bullshit. Though we’re talking about the same nurse who insists on calling testosterone ‘boy juice‘ which is cringeful enough without taking into consideration that I was 38 bloody years old when she said that to me (I’m 99% certain I have at least 5 years on her in age), and she said boys were shit at taking meds despite me saying I have to take meds daily to keep me alive, and don’t have a problem. It evidently didn’t fit with her world view. Anyway, maybe now I can just get on with life without stressing about all of this.

Also, they paid travel expenses, which is nice.

Last of the 2018 photography catchup

Lisianthus flowers.

I have worked my way through the remaining photos from last year, and have uploaded them all to Flickr. Small selection below, mostly flowers. I’m rather fond of the Lisianthus photos (first two and in the header), because I like they way the buds are tightly curled up, and then the flowers unwind going through several stages of shapes. Almost my favourite flower, pipped to the post by Lilacs, because of the scent.

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Found: all your marbles… they’re mine now

Red marbles.

Back in 2005, I took this photo of blue marbles. I have no idea how I did it, it was one of those happy accidents thing, and I guess that the sun just hit them at the right angle (I took this one outside). I love this photo, but there’s a problem with it. Because it was 2005, the only image resolution I have is 480×360, and that’s just ridiculously small these days. So I thought I’d set out to try and replicate it using various methods, including the original sunshine method, pointing extra lighting at them, using the flash, and also using my light box to back light them. Nothing replicated the effect. Maybe the sun was at the wrong angle, maybe it was those specific marbles from 2005 that were magic (if they ever turn up, I’ll try them). I was disappointed with the results, and had to take a step away from the photos for a while to get some perspective.

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Doodles with the Samsung Galaxy Tab S4

Zentangle Pattern.

So this is what I’ve been doodling on the Samsung Galaxy Tab S4, mandala-style doodly things. I’ve also seen that calling things like this ‘zentangles‘ is a thing, seems to be a term they coined for their experience and method of what many of us just call our doodling style. I’ve been doing it this way since my teens, and it’s cool that they provided a method for people to learn. Worth a look, it’s a fun way to pass the time.

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The State of the Red, February 2019

Long time no post. I do this, have rashes of posting things and being creative, then hibernating for a stretch. Or I’ll be creative and not get around to posting everywhere. If you’re following me on Instagram, then you know I’ve been alive posting photos (mostly of cooking and Jake) and some artwork.

I’ve not been doing anything more serious photography-wise than phone snaps, though I have got some stuff from August and October last year that I’m going through. One set was a project I wasn’t happy with at the time and needed some distance, the others are flowers that I didn’t post because the other project was lurking. There’s not been much of overwhelming interest to take photos of over the Winter, and I haven’t been anywhere all that interesting. Spring is around the corner, though, so expect lots more flower photos again when they all start poking their noses out.

It was my 40th birthday last year, so with a combination of a work bonus and pay raise, I bought myself a Samsung Galaxy Tab S4. This is 10.1″ tablet with S-Pen technology, which means you can use it as an art tablet. I’ve been doodling quite a bit on it, and have posted some of them to Instagram. I’ll do an art post here later. My dad got me a swanky new mattress, which arrived two weeks ago, and my body hasn’t been this ache-free in years. My sister got me the Epson EcoTank 7750 photo quality A3 printer (she got it me early for extra playtime). It’s amazing, the ink doesn’t seem to run out. I’ve printed a few photos, a couple at A3 size, and the quality is awesome. I also printed my own wrapping paper with it for Christmas.

I finally got my referral letter from Leeds to go ahead with the hysterectomy surgery. Only took them 8 months to get a locum to sign the thing. So that should be happening this year, and as it’s routine surgery, shouldn’t take as long as everything else does when you’re going through a GIC. Current game is if the surgeon will contact me before Brexit or not.

On the subject of Brexit, I finally got off my backside and put in the application for my first adult passport. Not because I’m planning on going anywhere (need to save up for that), but mainly because if Brexit does happen, I don’t trust the government to not make the whole process more annoying and complicated than it already is, especially for trans people. Also, red passport.

Games played… Assassin’s Creed Odyssey. Since release. Because it’s one huge, fun, awesome game. I took a break to replay the Castlevania Lords of Shadow games because they became backwards compatible on Xbox One, and have also got a game of Darksiders going while I wait for the next AC DLC chapter and Devil May Cry 5. It’s okay, and looks to be short. Next epic game (DMC5 won’t be very long) will probably be Dark Souls III, which I had no plans of playing, but my sister is persuasive.

Otherwise I’ve been plodding on, family and Jake are fine, we’re just all freezing our toes off. Roll on, spring!

Now I just need to remember how the Flickr plugins on here work…

Favourite music: game scores

I love listening to music, and I like a wide variety of genres. My favourite genre is scores from film, TV and games, partly because they’re awesome in their own right, but also because it lets me add soundtracks to ideas in my head, and when I do write, it makes excellent background music. I’ll even happily listen to music from otherwise shite media (Steve Jablonksy’s scores from the Michael Bay Transformers films being a stand out example of terrible to watch but with great music).

As much as I love music, I’m usually pretty terrible at writing about it, so I thought I’d try sharing some of my favourites as a bit of practice. I’m going with game scores (mostly because that’s what I’ve been listening to while gaming lately), and I suspect this is more an insight into my gaming tastes more than my music tastes.
 

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My experience of being transgender

Rainbow Watercolour.

Some of you are probably aware that I’m currently waiting for a surgery date for a hysterectomy. Because this is being trans on the NHS, this means lots of long waiting lists and getting second opinions. I saw the specialist at another Gender Identity Clinic for the second opinion at the end of May, was given the okay, and told the letter would be in the post within the next few weeks. End of July, my GIC gets in touch for a checkup, and baffled that they hadn’t had anything through, so set about chasing it up. I’ve had a letter through from the other GIC to say the doctor I saw is off for the foreseeable future (I read that as ‘signed off sick with stress because the NHS is stretched to the limit, GICs even more so) and that letters would be dealt with upon their return. Basically, I’m in limbo as I’ve no idea if or when that letter will turn up, or if I need to see another GIC for another referral. I’m not upset, as this is for purely medical reasons (I’ll get into that later), but fed up with waiting because I’d like to be organising things like the odd holiday without worrying I need to drop plans for a GIC appointment. The actual surgery I could reschedule, because it’s routine with lots of options. GIC appointments are gold dust – if you reschedule, you can be waiting many months longer, so you reschedule plans instead.

Anyhow. With that news, I thought it was time I pulled together one of the posts about me being transgender that I have in my drafts. This one is about my personal experience of being trans and transitioning. The other will come at a later date and is about my relationship with feminism as a trans guy, so I won’t be dealing with that subject here.

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Triffids of the Damned (I think my camera is now possessed)

Water Lily Rhizome.

Dad recently cleared the pond after it got neglected for a while (seriously, ducks walked on the surface) and I’ve now verified the fish survived and they didn’t adapt to the environment by developing legs or shovel hands. It did mean that a whole bunch of water lily rhizomes got pulled out, and I was able to take pictures. Man, these are fascinating and creepy. Some of them look like they have faces screaming out from them. Nature is very, very freaky, and my camera is acting suspiciously strangely today. Seriously, these triffids host the souls of the damned. See the others on Flickr if you want to risk demonic possession of your computer, phone or tablet.

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Flower photography, crafts and playing with alcohol inks

Orange Crocosmia flowers.

The UK heatwave has fizzled out (for now, with the current climate who knows what will actually happen), it’s under 20°C, grey and windy. I am a very happy bunny as far as that goes, just feeling generally tired. Being able to sleep without wanting to climb out of my own skin to cool off will probably help. Creatively speaking I got a few photos taken before it rained again, so I’m sharing a few here, the rest are up on Flickr. Photos below, along with crafty bits.

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Not a photography post, just a frazzled Red

Ugh. Heat. Reds are not built for anything much over 20°C, so you can imagine that with the current heatwave in the UK, my productivity levels are low. I’m managing to work, feed myself and shower. Sleep isn’t fantastic. Creative thinking is high, energy and motivation to turn that into action is low. In fact, it’s too hot right now for me to even want to play a video game.

Currently there’s a lot of thunder about, and we had a brief downpour earlier. More forecast for later, but right now it’s unpleasantly hot and humid and I exist only in a puddle of sweat.

Basically, I’m not dead. I’m counting that as a win and going to flail hotly until normal service resumes.

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